Winner >  Brandon Youngblood via pinfall

Noise Pollution

And so, much like the ring in Champaign was draped in the red, white and blue at Courage 86, so was the ring at Alumni Hall. Great, another visit from The Phantom Republican, this time in the Democratic stronghold known as the Peoples' Republic of New York City. Somewhere, somehow, Hilary Clinton is smiling while her husband Bill is probably getting some mouth-lovin' from an ugly intern.

Cue up "The Republican March." Cue up hundreds of cups and other articles of trash hurled towards the entry way as Jeffords leads the masked Gordon Oliver Powell out from the back.

The Phantom Republican waved and nodded like he was coming to a friendly campaign stop. He was apparently oblivious to the boos, but in reality, they didn't faze him. These were all liberal slimebags. Their booing of him was his validation.

Jeffords held open the ropes and GOP stepped in, making his way to the podium. Tapping on the mic, he leaned in.

"My fellow Americans..."

BOOOOOOOOOO~!

*ahem*

"And to think, you slimeballs elected Rudolph Giuliani as mayor, yet you don't welcome a constituent of his. For shame."

The crowd booed even louder, as if to say, "Rudy Giuliani? I knew Rudy Giuliani. I voted for Rudy Giuliani. You're no Rudy Giuliani."

He continued.

"Anyway, my fellow Americans, we are in dire times. The terrorists have..."

SSSSSCCCCCCCCCCRREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEECH!

The fans went from a booing mass of Republican hatred to a confused collective. The loud screech seemed to come from the ring, but both the Republican and his Secret Service agent were as confused as the crowd. The noise died down, but the confusion didn't.

That is, until another voice came on across the PA.

"So you brand me a terrorist, huh?"

Out from the back, kicking away the garbage thrown at the Phantom Republican was a man, dressed in a khaki military uniform, replete with decorations on a burgundy sash, and a bejeweled turban, not the wrapped kind they wear in India, but a more, sultan-esque variant.

Tariq Abdul Wahad Suleimon was in the house.

He lifted his own microphone to his mouth as the crowd started to boo him.

"If you should brand me a terrorist, then I shall act as one, at least now. But be thankful that I share your disdain for these mujihadeen and their tactics and didn't plant a nail bomb where my noise bomb was."

"You only stopped at a noise bomb because you knew that even the commie liberal who replaced SiverHAWK knew that he couldn't risk the lives of his fans, his precious, godless Marxist fans here in the People's Republic of the Big Red Apple!" GOP replied. "If you could have, you would have blown this place up like an open-air Israeli café."

Suleimon looked a little pensive. He had a retort though.

"No, because like my ancestors, I don't wish to attack your women, children and decadent, flabby businessmen. I wish to bring the fight right to you. The Ottoman Turks dominated Southeastern Europe in the past, and with my fighting spirit, the Ottoman Turks will once again dominate. Luckily for you and all these unwashed American slugs, it shan't be through military might, or else you'd all be headed to places that make your vaunted Riker's Island look like a country club. No, I shall bring Ottoman dominance to the wrestling ring."

"Is that so?" replied the Phantom Republican.

"Yes, it is so." Suleimon said, matter-of-factly. "I was looking for someone to target, to make an example of, to show that you Americans are weak and flabby. But since you've already made a point to target me, I might as well start... with you!"

Suleimon started running to the ring, GOP dropped his microphone and readied himself for a head-on attack. Suleimon slid into the squared circle.

Big mistake.

Jeffords intercepted him and stomped the Captain right on his back before he could get up. GOP sauntered over, with all the swagger of a cowboy. He picked up Suleimon as if to powerbomb him, but rested the Turk's back on his own shoulder.

MOAB time... or not. Suleimon deftly maneuvered his way off of GOP's back and on the way down, kindly gave the Battlin' Booster a neckbreaker to counter.

Both men got up off the canvas at the same time and met each other, fists a-flailing. Jeffords tried to intervene, but an errant kick from one of the men, no one could really see who, sent him flying, hitting his head on the podium and knocking him out.

Then, as the two men poured their hatred for each other into each punch as they rolled on the mat, something happened. The crowd, not liking either one of them one bit, started up a chant...

"KILL EACH OTHER!!" *clap clap clapclapclap*

"KILL EACH OTHER!!" *clap clap clapclapclap*

Not even in ACW for a month and the crowd is already wanting them to tear each other apart to end their own careers. Brilliant.

They probably would have done just that had the roving band of ACW security and referees not come down and broken the affair up.

As much as the crowd in New York City wanted the untrustworthy "terrorist" and the loathesome neocon to rip each other apart, they'd have to wait for another day to see it.

Past Notions

ONE!

TWO!

That’s when Kelly Flawless stumbled back into view, from backstage, slowing Monet Samuel’s count with the interruption, but not entirely disrupting it.

THREE!

And Kelly Flawless fell to the entrance steel ramp, with the third count. Alias was STILL US Champion… but what had happened to Flawless? Alias stumbled up over to him, forgoing having his hand raised or his title handed to him. He didn’t need to do any of that just yet.

“Kelly… Kelly.”

“Kelly is in the same place you’re about to be. The black, Chris.”

Alias looked up and he saw Vince Jacobs step out from the entrance.

Already in mid-swing with a Louisville Slugger.

…

The last thing Alias’d see would be Monet holding the US title in shock and horror.

The last thing he’d hear would be Vince’s footsteps beside his head, almost echoing inside the roaring boos of the crowd.

And it was all going… so well.

That same night…

A dull roar re-entered Alias’s ears. Though it wasn’t the crowd anymore, oh no. He felt leather upholstery against his skin and his head ached like a sun of a bitch. There was a whir beside his head and then a cold rush of air across his face. The salt in the skin hit his nose, and his eyes shot open. Alias was on a coastal highway. The Pacific coastal highway.

Los Angeles was just behind him, though he didn’t know it. He was going to San Francisco. He was going home.

Though not on choice.

The realization finally set in and he groggily turned his head towards the driver. His body felt like it wanted to jolt around and confront his assailant. Though the whole of him was sluggish and unresponsive, as if it wasn’t exactly listening to him as well as it should. And it wasn’t because of the possible severe concussion he received, oh no, he knew what those felt like.

“Superstar” Vince Jacobs grinned as he and Alias’s eyes met. One of his hands was on the steering wheel of his ‘66 Mustang, the other resting on the window sill, the wind whipping at his brown and blonde hair. And was that a hint of grey?

“You like that delayed response you’re getting? A couple of drops of animal tranquilizer that I gave you after I got you backstage at Ready or Not, and you’ve been damned tranquil for hours. Hah, I’m actually happy you’re still alive, keeps things in motion.” SVJ checked back on Alias for a moment, before his eyes stayed on the winding coastal roads. A crescent moon was shining off the ocean.

"Okay, so what now? You finally going to kill me tonight then?" The words came from Alias… almost as if he was seeing it coming now, and was finally ready. Or at least he wanted Jacobs to believe that fact.

"Hah, you know what Chris... I think that Spirit shit got out all the hand to hand violence I've wanted to give you…” You forgot the bat to the side of my fucking head, thought Chris, “Now, now I've got something much more entertaining planned for you, then killing you."

Alias slowly shuffled himself up to a seating position in his seat, he had slumped down almost to the floor boards since SVJ threw him into the passangers seat. And forgot to put on his seat belt. Right. SVJ continued talking. "Besides I'm the head of a national corporation, with that fWo gold, I couldn't have your blood on my hands..."

"Yes... you could." Alias knew Vince.

"Well yes, I could. That's not the point though, right now, is it?" SVJ already knew that though.

"There's a point to all of this?"

The conversation hung in the cool California air for a moment, the wind whipping and howling through the windows on each side. They stared out to either side for a moment. SVJ looking out into the water and Alias’s eyes watching the roadside rocks roar by. After ten years, three consecutive in two different federations… was there a point to all of this by now?

"The point is, Chris... I want you to rest. Once and for all." It was something they both wanted.

"Putting us to rest..." Alias grinned.

"No. You. I'm walking away from this, for once. You'll be out to rest, and I'll walk away, it'll really be that plain and simple." Jacobs coldly shot back. This wasn’t about leaving on level ground, not since what Chris had first done to him. He had won the ACW World Championship like Alias had stopped him from doing long before, and he had won the fWo World Championship like Chris had always dreamed as well… and now all that was left was ending Alias’s career, and then Vince Jacobs would be content.

"Finally the big picture, Vince, and all it took for you... was to finally get plain and simple." Chris always was ready with biting sarcasm, even in this, his current situation.

"And I'm just getting started..." Vince Jacobs wasn’t content yet though, not yet.

Alias, within another few seconds, lapsed back into unconsciousness.

Readying The Gallows

Jimmy Cain paced back and forth in his dressing room. He was fully clad in his ring gear, with his fists wrapped in black athletic tape. His wet hair hung in strands over his eyes and ears. He turned, punching in a locker door. The door popped off its hinges and landed on the wood bench below it, along with a bottle of unmarked pills. He quickly palmed them out of sight.

Turning to the camera, Jimmy glowered, his eyes twitching in a psychotic rage. “Last week… in the fourway… I had Coral pinned for the win. I hit him with the Market Crash, I jumped on his fallen body, and I watched as the Monet’s hand hit the mat twice… and would have a third-time, had a certain blue hair’d COCKSUCKER not interjected himself!”

Jimmy smirked, pinching the bridge of his nose, as he stared at the floor, throttling his temper.

“Lowell,” he said, “you’re a fucking deadman. You have the audacity to put yourself in a match like Gimmick Hell and expect not only to come out ALIVE, but with your title as well? You, my friend, have quite the ego.” He paused to stare with an intimidating glare into the camera.

“You could have taken your loss last week, gone home, trained, and lived to fight another die. You could have studied tapes, worked a tighter match, become more focused, and had a chance at taking the Scorpio Title from me… but instead, you signed your own death warrant. You stole from Jimmy Cain. You fucked with baddest motherfucker alive.

I owe you a lot, Champ. You got me signed to an ACW contract. You introduced me to the world. Shared with me your promo time. Let Jimmy be Jimmy… to a point.” Jimmy smirked. “I’m a star now, competing in a marquee match on the biggest stage of the year… and a lot of that I owe to you.

Thank you.

But that doesn’t excuse what you did…

I have been there to save your ass in every title defense you’ve had! When you couldn’t land the plane successfully, I did! I carried you through the fire, in hopes that one day you’d allow me to step out of your shadow!” Jimmy’s facial expression turned cold, and he scoffed at his mistake. “But that wasn’t ever your intention, was it? – To give me my shot? If I were as brain dead as you would’ve liked me to be, you would’ve kept me as your bodyguard until retirement!

I wasn’t supposed to be a bigger star than you. I wasn’t supposed to win important matches or titles.

So you fed me empty promises, hoped that I wouldn’t catch on… but I did.

And when I had that title within my grasp,” he reached out with his hand, but quickly retracted it, “you slapped my hand away, and it became crystal clear to me… our partnership – if you can even call it that – had to come to an end.

Courage 86 will be known as your last successful title defense. Your stranglehold on the Scorpio Title will be broken at Legends and a new champion will be crowned – a superior champion; one that can get the job done on his own.

And tonight, within the confines of a steel cage, with weapons galore at our disposal, and whatever else you have planned, I will have my pound of flesh; my vengeance. You must pay, Dustin. This is one debt you cannot escape. I will see to it that it is paid in FULL.

Enjoy your last few hours with the belt, Champ.

The end is near.

The Corporate Executioner is coming for you.”

GIMMICK HELL
ACW SCORPIO FIGHTING CHAMPIONSHIP
Lowell Dot Com versus Jimmy Cain versus Coral Avalon

The arena was shrouded in darkness. The rafter lights flickered ominously as the Hell in a Cell cage was lowered from the ceiling. Gimmick Hell was minutes away.

But first, allow me to explain what exactly Gimmick Hell is.

It is the most violent, contrived gimmick match ever brought to fruition. It was designed by Lowell Dot Com as a means of stealing the show; to create something so over-the-top and out-of-this-world that nothing else would be able to touch it.

Two of the four corners of the ring have barb-wire-covered boards leaning against the turnbuckles. The other two have had the padding taken off, exposing the steel rings beneath.

Outside the ring there are four caskets, one on each side. They each contain an abundance of "plunder" exclusive to that casket. To get at it, you must open the casket. You can throw/backdrop your opponent onto an open or closed casket, slam the thing shut on their head, etc. Use your imaginaton.

Underneath the ring there are objects like steel chairs, TABLES, 8-ft./20-ft. carpenter ladders, sledgehammers, toasters, half-empty beer bottles, garbage cans, a fire extinguisher, a boom box, the ghetto fork, the ghetto knife, the ghetto plate, pretty much all the ghetto cutlery… there is a shopping cart half-wedged between the ring apron and the floor. Anything you can imagine being used in an ultraviolent wrestling match, and even some you can't, can probably be found under the ring.

The Hell in a Cell cage is laced with razor wire, so you have to watch where you place your hands as you climb. The door to the cage is made of GLASS - and not the shatter-proof kind either - to exit the cage it must be broken. Hurl an opponent, an object, or yourself through it to escape Gimmick Hell.

Outside the cage, at the foot of the aisle, is a pyramid of tables. Think the table pyramid errected in the WrestleMania X7 TLC match, only a bit bigger. If you choose to avoid that, and really, it's only there for kicks, you may climb up the side of the cage. Once ontop, you'll find MORE weapons.

Yes, more weapons. Mostly chairs, a couple tables, and a specially made 12-ft. ladder. Not too big, not too small.

The way in which you win this very, very screwed up match is to set up the ladder in the middle of the cage, over top which hangs a SMALLER cage (the old-school steel bar kind - like what the WWF would hang managers and valets on occasions). You have to climb up the ladder and enter the smaller cage, which has two door-less entryways.

The Lowell Dot Commie will be standing in the smaller cage, holding the ACW Scorpio(n Fighting) Championship. To win the match you must take the belt from Commie. If you're Lowell, chances are he'll just hand you the belt. If you happen to be Jimmy Cain, or especially Coral Avalon, expect a fight… not a particularly tough one, but a fight nonetheless.

With that out of the way, it's time for the competitors to make their way to the ring!

"New Noise" by Refused.

Fog rolled steadily from the back.

Jimmy Cain stepped out into the pulsing light, his body turning a ghostly white. He stared down the aisle, a look of pure focus and concentration on his face. He walked to the ring, navigating around the giant table structure, while paying the fans no mind.

With the cage now hanging about 8-ft. from the floor, Jimmy clapped it with his hand as he passed under it, lacerating his finger. He entered through the ropes and walked to his respective corner. He flicked his wrist, flecking the mat with his blood. "There's mine. Now let's have YOURS." He smiled sadistically.

"Won't Back Down" hit.

The fans, they went "YAY!".

Coral Avalon brushed past the curtains, wearing his usual hooded vest, as he cautiously walked down the aisleway, staring at the ominous structure that was hanging overhead. Coral had signed on for this match, simply to get his hands on the man that essentially screwed both himself and Jimmy Cain out of the Scorpion Title on Courage 86.

However, Coral had only been in one even remotely hardcore match in his five year career, and he did not do well in that match. This was truly a whole new world for the Kleptomaniac, and while the Scorpion Title was a goal in this contest... it was only a secondary goal to him.

The primary goal for the Kleptomaniac?

Survive.

Because while Coral Avalon was one of the most technically sound individuals in ACW, being technical means nothing in an enviroment like this. Being agile means nothing here. Having a killer submission hold will not save your life.

Any chance Coral Avalon has would be dependent on if his survival instincts were to kick in during this contest.

Coral entered the ring, and threw off his hood. He slipped his vest off while keeping both eyes on the Jimmy. This was the third time he'd be in a match with Jimmy, and by far the most dangerous. While Jimmy blended in this match like water and Kool Aid crystals, Coral blended in about as well as oil and water.

Would he survive?

COULD he survive?

Well, we'll find out in a bit.

The opening of everyone's favourite Scorpio Champion's entrance song started to play. The cash register noised barely audible over the boos from the crowd.

All of a sudden a band passed through the curtains, while stagehands hurried to setup a drum set and a few microphone stands.

Lowell had got the world famous Australian Pink Floyd cover band to play him to the ring!

TEXT LIFE. THIS IS BASIC LOWELLANOMICS.

"Money" by PinK Floyd.

Aussie Floyd played as the arena lights went absolutely CAH-RAZEE WILD!

The crowd exploded in boos as Lowell Dot Com stepped out from the back into his trademark blue spotlight, the Pepsi endorsed Scorpio Title fastened around his waist. Actually, it wasn't there, it was in Commie's hands now, so he's really wearing a foam one with a Pepsi sticker. He "shined" it with his palm and smiled.

"The Choice of a New Generation has arrived! BOOYAH!" he shouted and gave a pelvic thrust.

Lowell travelled over to where Aussie Floyd was and held up his hand to get a high five.

Of course, they're busy playing instruments so, you know, that didn't work out as well as he'd planned, and he walked off looking like a douchebag.

Down the aisle he walked, stopping to jaw with the fans on his way to the ring. "The champ is hurr!" he yelled.

He held up his "title". "Nevah gon be fo anyone but ME!" Talkin' some real Ali-like jive… really lame, I know.

Lowell "limboed" underneath the cage, which wasn't hard considering he could have EASILY walked underneath it, but whatever!

He turned and pointed to *his* band, and shouted, "YOU GUYS ROCK!" before hopping up on one of the caskets and dancing around like a drunken fool. "Hey Coral, remember this?" Dances a bit more. " - Me at Harvard's funeral! HA!"

He jumped forward onto the apron and stepped through the ropes. He climbed to the second rope, unbuckling his title, and holding it in the air. "CHEEEEEEEEEEEER!"

The fans responded with "BOOOOOOOOO!"

The Notorious LDC hopped backward to mat, turned, and held the belt up again. "See this?" He gestured to, well, everything; the cage, the caskets, the tables, etc. "I paid for all of this!"

"That's nice," Coral said with a roll of his eyes.

"I wanna burn this motherfucker to the ground," Jimmy added.

"No! No fire! You leave the gas tanks alone! Those are just for show!"

"We'll see," the Jackpot said as he laughed, "MUHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Evil laughter - how Lowell hated it when it wasn't him doing it.

"Money" ended.

The referee stood in the middle of the ring, then bolted out of the cage before it could be lowered to the ring.

The dull thud as the cage touched down on the floor and strained beneath its own weight was as good as a bell, I guess, as all three men got into a "fighting stance". The bell sounded shortly there after.

Roll call!

Coral Avalon: the underdog fan favourite, the most technically skilled in the contest and someone who's not so much as weilded a chair… competing in a match such as this will be interesting indeed.

Jimmy Cain: the big, dominant, Samoa Joe-on-PCP like asskicker, a psychotic madman with a blemishless face and the perfect body prone to outbursts of violence and murder(?)… the Patrick Bateman of professional wrestling.

Lowell Dot Com: the arrogant coward of a heel champion who's held the Scorpio Title since March-ish when he won it at End Game… he's used interference and cheating to keep the title on numerous occasions.

It was game time.

And immediately, Lowell fled to the floor as Jimmy and Coral exchanged their respective strikes. Coral was smashing Jimmy with European Uppercut, while Jimmy was smashing Coral with elbow strikes. Lowell wasn't smashing anything, he was already hunting underneath the ring to find an equalizer since he knew that being hit by either man was going to suck.

Jimmy, being bigger and tougher and stronger than Coral Avalon ever will be, got the upper hand in the slugfest and backed Coral into the ropes. He went for the Irish whip, but as Coral came back, he slid underneath Jimmy's legs and came out on the other side... behind Jimmy.

Coral snatched a side headlock from a surprised Jimmy, before taking him down with a side headlock takedown.

If anything's going to help him survive this match, it's going to be his wrestling accumen.

Jimmy fought to his feet and buried some elbows in Coral's chest to stop him short of that *stupid* idea. Who brings wrestling in a match like THIS?

So, Coral hit him with a European Uppercut. And Jimmy fired back with an elbow smash.

And it was around this time that Lowell, that mongrel idiot, came running at both guys with a steel chair in hand. Coral and Jimmy both reacted at the same time, landing boots in Lowell's midsection. The steel chair that Lowell had been aiming to dent into Coral and Jimmy's skulls fell harmlessly past the other two men of the contest.

However, Jimmy wanted to pound Lowell all to himself, and therefore dispatched Coral by kicking him in the gut and tossing him out of the ring, where Coral very nearly hit the razor-wired cage. This left Jimmy to push Lowell into one of the corners, one of the ones without a barbed wire board leaning against it.

From there, Jimmy held Lowell's head down and *hammered* Lowell with repeated knees to the midsection. When he was done with that, he kept hold of Lowell's head, stepped back, and then SMASHED him with a brutal knee strike that sent Lowell over the top rope, to the floor, and onto the apron.

Coral, meanwhile, was getting back up.

He jumped back up onto the apron, but realized quickly that his springboarding probably wouldn't fly so well given the ceiling and his height. So, instead, he slingshot himself over the top rope, landed on his feet, and came at Jimmy before dropkicking him to the mat.

Coral got to his feet again, before he smashed Jimmy with some European Uppercuts and whipped him into the opposite corner. However, Jimmy reversed and Coral SMASHED chest-first into the other exposed turnbuckle, casuing him to fall back, land with a roll, and end up on his stomach, clutching his chest in pain and struggling the breathe.

The Jimmy had one of those creepy smiles on his face. The type that stereotypical serial killers sometimes have. He grabbed one of the barbed wire boards and removed it from its position, before placing it in the same corner that he previously threw Coral in. Only, this time, he balanced it between the perpendicular portions of the ropes... in such a way that it laid horizontally with the barbed wire exposed on the top.

In other words, it was now a brutal device of pain.

Jimmy pulled Coral up, before he got behind him and caught him with a double leg takedown. This put Coral in a bad position, as Jimmy lifted him up for a wheelbarrow powerbomb that might have taken him into the barbed wire, had Coral not countered quickly into a bulldog.

Coral had narrowly escaped death, but from behind came Lowell Dot Com. He bashed Coral in the back of the head before he caught him with a German suplex that landed Coral awfully close to the barbed wire board that the Jimmy hadn't yet touched.

Lowell saw his opportunity to take Avalon out of the match, and charged Coral from the now-empty corner that was directly across from where Coral was.

Coral ducked and tossed Lowell behind him with a back body drop.

Lowell landed back-first... UPSIDE-DOWN... into the barbed wire board.

"HOLY SHIT!" went the crowd.

Especially since, due to the fact that Lowell had a lot of clothing on, he just kinda... hung there. Upside-down. And that didn't bode well when Coral darted into the opposite corner and then came flying at him.

Dropkick.

Right to Lowell's head.

Lowell fell to the mat, taking the board with him. So, now he was underneath the barbed wire board, while Coral had rolled to the outside in order to avoid having the board fall on him as well. But what Coral did was NOTHING compared to what the Jimmy was about to do. He got up and saw Lowell underneath the board, located where his head was... and came running.

RUNNING DOUBLE STOMP.

Again, the crowd went "HOLY SHIT!", and all was right with the world.

The Jimmy had actually broken the board into two pieces off that move, and probably broke Lowell's brain... if in fact he has one... into many more pieces. He threw up the Shocker for all to see, once again ignoring the fact that Coral was getting back into the ring. However, the Kleptomaniac was soon rocked by a forearm shot as he came from behind, as if Jimmy expected him to show back up.

Jimmy grabbed Coral by the back of the head and then tossed him out of the ring again, once again putting Coral dangerously close to the barbed-wired cage. Jimmy climbed outside of the ring, and stomped on Coral's head before he went underneath the ring and grabbed a toaster. Idly, Jimmy wondered just what the fuck kind of maniac Lowell was to be putting a *toaster* underneath the ring, but it didn't matter. He simply winded up and smacked Coral in the gut with the toasting mechanism.

Even more idly, Jimmy wondered if there was a power outlet somewhere so he could stick Coral's stupid long hair into the toaster and see if it caught fire. But he was disappointed since he couldn't find one, so he just wound up and smacked Coral in the head with the toaster as he managed to stand up straight briefly.

Meanwhile, Lowell Dot Com managed to dig himself out of the wreckage of barbed wire and wood, the back of his blue head turning crimson from Jimmy's double stomp. He wanted to take revenge on Jimmy, so he bounced off the ropes and attempted the most suicidal move he might have ever taken in his career.

TOPE SUICIDA.

MISSED.

Why the red font color?

Because Lowell crashed FACE FIRST into the barbed wire mesh of the Hell in a Cell, and let me just say that it's not the most PLEASANT thing to have happen to you. Ever.

Lowell collapsed on the floor, his face trickling blood from the punctures generated by shooting his body at the mesh wall like a missile.

Meanwhile, the Jimmy, who had stepped back eighty-one centimeters and avoided the contact, had this smirk on his face. He dropped the toaster and let Coral Avalon live for the time being. Instead, he grabbed Lowell by his blue, though rapidly-turning-red, hair, and rolled him back into the ring. Once Lowell was in the ring, Jimmy went under the ring and grabbed some barbed wire.

The fans roared in barbaric delight as Jimmy did the most evil thing he could think of outside of simply using it to slit some throats. He took the barbed wire and wrapped it around his right knee, before he headed up to the top rope.

The fans were on their feet as the Jimmy flew off the top.

BARBED WIRE BEAST KNEE DROP.

Jimmy Cain = In a lot of pain.

Lowell Dot Com = Dead.

Coral Avalon = Living. Somehow.

Jimmy got to his feet, glancing downward to his knee that happened to be cut quite severly in a couple of places, but that's what happens when you wrap barbed wire around your knee in an effort to maim others. Jimmy could have disposed of it, but didn't. He liked having it there. It would make his knee strikes that much more lethal.

He pulled Lowell to his feet and punched him square in the face, causing him to stumble backward into the ropes. His nose bled more after that. Jimmy came running with a Yakuza Kick, but Lowell collapsed out of the way of it, leaving Jimmy straddling the top rope with a look of utter discomfort on his face.

Meanwhile, Coral slid back in the ring and walked over to where the Jimmy was. He first dealth a kick to the body of Lowell, before grabbing a handful of Jimmy's hair, bending him forward, and hitting him with a hard European Uppercut. Jimmy's head whipped backward, and he tumbled to the floor, catching his foot on the edge of the casket located on that side of the ring.

Coral pulled Lowell to his feet and Irish whipped him in the direction of one of the corners with the turnbucles exposed. Lowell, en route to hitting the steel, got the bright idea that if he baseball slid out of the ring that it would put him out of harm's way. He did not factor in the possible result of crotching himself on the turnbuckle post… which is, of course, what happened, or else I wouldn't be telling you about it.

Coral stomped him in the head a few times until he dropped to the floor, holding his aching testicles, and followed out after him. He picked him up and sent him back-first into the side of a casket, moving the thing about three inches.

The Jimmy moved gingerly around the corner of the ring. He, too, happened to be nursing his groin, compliments of one Coral Avalon, and didn't look too happy. In the mean time, he'd grabbed a sledgehammer from under the ring, and was holding it horizontally across his torso, with two hands, one at the base of the handle and the other just below the actual hammer part of it.

"Motherfucker!" he yelled, before charging at Coral, looking to bury the end of the HHHammer in his gut, causing serious internal bleeding and maybe a collapsed lung.

Coral dove under the bottom rope and rolled to his feet, leaving Jimmy with no time to react, not that he would have wanted to, as the end result was the same: he fucked somebody up hardcore!

The someone just happened to be Lowell instead.

And instead of connecting with his mid section, where Lowell was seated on the floor, he connected with his face, cracking his orbital bone.

Lowell fell over onto his side and curled up in the fetal position, writhing in pain, and kicking instinctually at the Jimmy's shins to keep him from advancing. Jimmy delivered a leg kick to his thigh, putting a stop to the irritating childish defense mechanism, and pulled Lowell to a vertical base.

He picked him up in a bearhug, turned, and RAMMED him into the barbed wire mesh of the cage! He took a couple steps back and threw him like a bag of garbage against the edge of the ring apron. Lowell fell, grasping his lower back.

From there, the Corporate Executioner picked up the sledgehammer again, and used it to dent the lid of the casket adjacent to him, for no real reason at all. He grasped the lid and opened it, revealing - brace yourselves - THOUSANDS upon THOUSANDS of thumbtacks! There was so many of them they were spilling over the edge!

Coral stood in the middle of the ring looking like he'd just had his cock grabbed by a 90-year-old Catholic nun. Mouth open, collecting flies. His facial expression could be summed up in two words: "Aw, crap."

The Jimmy, all jovial and merry and shit, began cupping the thumbtacks in his hands and tossing them in the air, as he laughed uncontrollably. They rained down upon his head, but that didn't bother him none. No, he *liked* it.

Rolling back inside the ring, the Champaign Supernova stalked after Coral, who used his superior quickness and agility to evade him, running past him and exiting the ring via jumping through the top and middle ropes. Coral had to regroup.

Coral reentered the ring with renewed confidence, and met Jimmy in the center of the ring to begin another strike battle!

European Uppercut! Elbow strike! European Uppercut! Elbow strike!

Jimmy rocketed his barbed wire wrapped knee upward into Coral's stomach, causing Coral to drop to his own knee, with a hand resting on his thigh. Blood seeped from the tiny lacerations on his stomach and landed in droplets on the mat. Cain grabbed hold of Coral's head, holding it in place, as he readied a disfiguring knee to the face. Coral fired on all cylinders and performed a backswitch. He hooked one of Jimmy's arms behind his head.

HALF NELSON BACKBREAKER.

The crowd erupted in cheers. The dreaded half nelson backbreaker had been hit, and both men were seemingly out in the center of the ring; Coral holding his bloody mid section, and Jimmy, his freshly damaged lower back.

The Shillin' Villain, cradling the sledgehammer, entered the ring again, looking for payback. He ran, dropping the hammer down across the Jimmy's forehead!

Coral was up. He spun Lowell around and made him eat a European Uppercut, causing him to stumble a bit and lose his grip of the sledgehammer. Coral followed up with six or seven stiff forearm smashes to back him up into the ropes, and chopped him hard across the chest. Coral booted him in the gut and grasped his wrist, but Lowell managed to reverse the Irish whip attempt and send Coral, himself, off into the opposite set of ropes.

Or rather, the Jimmy, who was waiting, brains a little scrambled, but whatever.

Jimmy pressed Avalon over his head, showcasing his amazing strength and power, and paraded him around, before dropping over the top rope and *onto* a closed-lid casket! The sickening thud it created made every single person - wrestlers included - cringe. That was without a doubt THE bump of 2006 thus far. No one, not even Mick Foley, would allow himself to be dropped back-first, unprotected, onto an awkward wooden surface such as the lid of casket from that height. A casket isn't a table. It doesn't break your fall; it breaks YOU. And that kind of thing ends careers.

Needless to say, Coral Avalon was legally dead in thirty-nine States, five Canadian provinces, and Puerto Rico.

Lowell, meanwhile, was getting back to his feet. Somehow.

Unfortunately, he was jammed in the JAW by a hard, barbed-wire-assisted, knee strike from the Jimmy. Lowell was rocked so hard that he threw a haymaker that missed by a good two feet and he collapsed to the canvas. Jimmy just stood there like a stiff breeze just hit him, a little surprised but more or less still just as pissed as usual.

Jimmy pulled Lowell to his feet again and attempted to finish the match early by lifting him into the fireman's carry. He was looking for either the fireman's carry DDT or the WARJIMMY, but Lowell's felt the latter and would really rather not feel it again. Ever.

So, Lowell managed to slip his bloodied self off of Jimmy's shoulders, and shove him into a corner. The same corner that Jimmy had previously placed a barbed wire board.

However, Jimmy was able to stop his forward momentum just in the nick of time, and quickly turned around.

Lowell came running off of a burst of momentum.

Jimmy, predictably if you got a good idea of what was about to happen, elevated Lowell overhead... causing the Shillin' Villian to land face first onto the barbed wire.

Yeah, that's not too good for your totally marketable face.

Lowell managed to pull his face out of the mesh, albeit very painfully. And he backed up right into a waiting Jimmy's arms.

German suplex.

Pain.

Jimmy held on, and rolled Lowell back up before hooking his arms in a full nelson.

DRAGON suplex.

AGONY.

Jimmy let go of Lowell and raised his arms high overhead, as if saying that he was the God of this place and all lesser beings should bow before his awesomeness. Or else they'll take up a permanent residence in his damn crawl space.

However, someone came back from the dead, and unfortunately, given that the cell hasn't been breached yet... that someone was Coral Avalon.

Avalon's back was in a lot of pain and he had incurred some stomach wounds, but that wasn't going to stop him from climbing back into the ring. And unfortunately for Jimmy, Coral's stomach wounds were inflicted because he left barbed wire on his knee. Which gave him good reason to come from behind and dropkick Jimmy in that SAME knee.

Needless to say, Jimmy went down.

Jimmy held his knee in pain, but Coral wasn't finished yet. He rolled Jimmy over to his stomach and grabbed Jimmy's right leg. Coral placed his foot in the back of Jimmy's knee before he proceeded to STOMP the knee into the canvas.

That + Barbed wire = OW.

Grabbing Jimmy's ankle with both hands, Coral lifted Jimmy's knee off the canvas and drove it down with a sudden burst of power. His knee struck the mat, the barbs digging into his flesh and tearing it open. Jimmy rolled around frantically in agony, trying to strip the barbed wire from his knee, but it proved too painful even for him. His mangled knee and calf bled profusely as he tried to stand, having to turn and grab onto the ropes to aid him in doing so.

Coral smashed him in the face with a forearm and backed him up into the ropes, before shooting him across the ring with an Irish whip. Upon return, Avalon tilt-a-whirled him into a backbreaker on his knee! Jimmy's back arched and his whole body stiffened up as he popped off of the Klepto's knee and landed in front of him on the canvas, turning onto his side.

Coral stood up, backdropping Lowell, as he came charging in, over the top rope, but Lowell somehow managed to land safely on apron, and fired back with a series of right hands.

Lowell locked his hands around the back of Coral's neck, looking to possibly drop to the floor and guillotine his throat on the top rope, but Avalon countered with two elbows to the jaw and a Euro Uppercut. Avalon kneed Lowell, through the ropes, in the mid section, causing him to double over, and grabbed him, butterflying the arms.

He backed up toward the center of the ring, but left the Champion's feet suspended on the middle rope.

DOUBLE UNDERHOOK SUSPENDED BACKBREAKER.

Before the crowd could even respond, Coral was to his feet, reacting to the rapidly approaching American Psycho from across the ring. Coral hit Jimmy coming in with a jumping enzugiri, causing him to roll to the floor.

Jimmy took some time to collect his thoughts, which consisted of "KILL! KILL! KILL!" and "MAIM! MAIM! MAIM!", before reentering walking around the ring to one of the unopened caskets. He lifted the top, revealing LIGHT TUBES.

Jimmy grabbed a couple, stuffing them underneath his arm, and one down the front of his tights (yeah, I know, not smart, right?), and stormed up on the steps, to get back inside the ring.

The Czar of Cashflow gingerly got to his feet, and he and Coral stood watching as Jimmy dropped the light tubes carried under his arm, to the mat, and began jumping up and down on them like a kid in a mud puddle. They crunched beneath his weight like snow.

Coral ran, jumping over the broken shards of glass, and hitting a cross body. Jimmy, however, wouldn't be taken down, and he held Coral, preparing to slam him down into the glass… but didn't. Instead he threw him over the top rope, to the floor, with a Fall Away Slam!

Coral thanked the good Lord that he landed on the thin, not-so-protective-but-more-protective-than-a-casket mat, and laid there on the floor, nursing his aches and pains.

Meanwhile, Lowell found himself staring across the ring at Jimmy Cain. Jimmy cracked his knuckles and walked toward him. Lowell charged forward, and they locked up, collar-and-elbow style. Jimmy, of course, had the power advantage by a very wide margin, and threw Lowell backward into a roll that ended with him kneeling on the canvas.

Unleash the Ultravoilence!

Jimmy reached down the front of his tights and pulled out the light tube that had been half sticking out and held it with both hands by the end. The Sellout v.2 shook his head "no", but Jimmy nodded his "yes".

He first dealt two stiff roundhouse kicks to Lowell's chest, followed by a barbed wire assisted knee to the face! He took a step back and stood like a baseball player at the plate. He pointed to the stands as if he were Babe Ruth, and swung, shattering the light tube over Lowell's head!

Chants of "HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT!" rang out.

Lowell's head pitched forward and landed with a "thump" on the canvas, ass in the air, and arms limp at his side. Blood quickly pooled around his head, and Jimmy figured he'd had enough… for now.

Jimmy reached over the top rope and grabbed Coral by the hair as he got to his feet. He yanked him up onto the apron and placed him in a front facelock. With the broken glass behind him, it became quite clear what Jimmy's intentions were. Coral blocked the suplex attempt and punched in the ribs a couple of times. Jimmy weathered that storm, however, and hoisted him in the air, but Avalon managed to kick his legs and regain the leverage advantage, dropping his feet safely on the mat, inches from the glass.

Coral hooked his leg around Cain's to block any further attempts at a suplex onto the glass. They were now both standing adjacent to the glass, exchanging strikes.

Euro Uppercut! Elbow strike! Euro Uppercut! Elbow strike!

Elbow strike! Elbow strike!

The momentum had shifted back in the Jimmy's favor, and he sprinted off the ropes, hitting Coral with the shotgun dropkick! Coral FLEW backward into the corner and landed in a seated position with his head resting against the middle turnbuckle pad.

Jimmy walked toward Coral… applauding him?

He used his foot to pin Coral there and started with the, oh yes - the boot scrapes! After about the fifth one, Jimmy sprinted off the ropes again and returned with a final boot scrape that nearly tore Coral's ear off!

SCHOOL BOY~!

From behind, a bloody, battered, possibly mentally retarded Lowell Dot Com rolled Jimmy up with a school boy, except pinfalls don't mean jack shit in this match, so it was all for nothing.

Not that it would have mattered if pinfalls *were* counted because Jimmy kicked out with ease before a count of one could've even been administered. They both stood up. Lowell jogged backward as Jimmy swung for the fences with rights and lefts, just narrowly avoiding each.

Lowell snuck in a boot to the gut and lifted Jimmy's chin.

CHOP! CHOP! CHOP! CHOP!

Another stabilizing boot to the gut and BANDAID BRAND BRAINBUSTER.

Coral was up. He ran toward Lowell. Lowell ducked the lariat, hooked him, AXE EFFECT!

Lowell jumped to his feet. He didn't know exactly where he was, or why so many people wanted to hurt him so bad, but he knew he was on a freakin' roll and not to let up. He slapped his chest repeatedly and scooped the Jimmy up, and pitched him into the exposed turnbuckle corner.

Stinger Splash!

He cupped his hands around his mouth and let out a loud "WHOOOOOOOOOO!"

Inverted front facelock.

Scorpio(n) Death Drop!

Fueled by adrenaline, Lowell popped back to his feet and took hold of Jimmy's legs.

Scorpio(n) Death Lock!

Seated in the small of Jimmy's back, Lowell pulled back with every ounce of strength in his body, hoping for a tap out victory. Of course, again, the only way to win is to retrieve the Scorpio Title so a tap out wouldn't mean a thing, but still, there's no way Jimmy would have tapped to a Lowell applied submission anyway.

CRAAAAAAAAAAACK ENZUGIRI!

Lowell collapsed off of Jimmy, knocked the fuck out.

After breaking the record for the loudest enzugiri in wrestling history, Coral stood up, albeit slowly, and grabbed Lowell.

RATINGS SPIKE.

Lowell rolled out to the floor. It'll be a while before we hear from him again.

This left Jimmy and Coral to duke it out alone. Inventory check: broken glass near the ropes, sledgehammer on the other side of the ring. Jimmy got to his feet. His leg had since gone completely numb from the barbed wire inflicted wounds, so that he could be thankful for.

Jimmy and Coral locked up. Jimmy scooped him up and slammed him. However, Coral held onto the arm and took him over with an armdrag, before applying an armbar variation to the side of him. Jimmy got to his feet, his arm still trapped, and used his immense power to hoist Coral up into a fireman's carry. The crowd booed. But Coral managed to struggle free and land behind him, nearly popping Jimmy's shoulder out of place. Avalon had Jimmy's arm bent over his (Jimmy's) own shoulder, with his (Jimmy's) wrist tucked underneath his armpit.

A little bit of chain wrestling for you in the midst of all this blood and gore.

Again the Jackpot fought to a standing position, this time shooting Coral off into the ropes. He caught him in a bearhug and held him in it, his arms acting like a vice on Coral's ribcage. He shook him like a rag doll from side to side, headbutted him, rammed him into the exposed turnbuckle, and threw him halfway across the ring with an overhead belly-to-belly suplex!

Coral, though, did not land on his back; he landed on his feet! Don't ask me how someone with such very little air in their lungs, who has lost so much blood, can possibly flip out of an overhead belly-to-belly, because honestly, I don't know. But Coral did it and it brought every single fan in attendance to their feet.

Coral booted Jimmy in the gut and gave him a snap suplex. He held on and rolled his hips, dragging Jimmy back to a standing position. Snap suplex number two. Again he held on and set the Patrick Bateman of professional wrestling up for another suplex. VERTICAL SUPLEX BACKBREAKER.

The crowd popped HUGE for this and applauded Coral's strength and determination to hit two snap suplexes and a vertical suplex turned into a backbreaker. Who else but Coral, eh? Well, Roderick Strong, but we won't count him.

Out of Coral's peripheral he could see Lowell kneeling next to a casket, struggling to open it up as he didn't even have the strength to stand on his own two feet. The top began to rise, and the fingers on Lowell's free hand appeared to be just grazing the rim, giving Coral an idea.

He casually walked over, grabbed the top rope, springboarded off of it, and came down with a double stomp on the top of the casket, snapping it shut on Lowell's fingers!

"OWWWWWWWWIE!" screeched the Champion as he fell backward to the floor, clutching his damaged (possibly broken) fingers to his chest.

Coral jumped down off the casket and pulled Lowell Dot Com to his feet and gave him a release vertical suplex on the casket. Lowell bounced off and landed back on the floor, once again out of commission indefinitely.

Coral got back inside the ring and marched across to where the Jimmy was just now getting to his feet. He lit him up with a chop, and Jimmy returned fire with a headbutt that staggered the Klepto.

Jimmy snapmared him over and kicked him in the spine twice. Coral shook it off and gingerly got back to his feet. Jimmy, upon seeing this, wasn't very happy. He kicked him in the spine TWICE. You don't no-sell that shit!

Jimmy hit the ropes. Coral avoided the lariat.

FLATLINER.

KOJI CLUTCHDENIED.

Jimmy got his hand up to block Coral's leg as it swung around to lock underneath his chin!

Jimmy got his knees underneath him, then pushed to his feet, Coral still trying desperately to apply the Koji Clutch even as Cain got to a standing position. Jimmy lifted Coral off the mat upside down and spiked him down onto his head repeatedly, until Coral released the half put on hold. Jimmy fell backward to a seated position, completely worn out.

Although exhausted Jimmy managed to get to his feet and pick Coral up into a fireman's carry. He walked around the ring and stopped next to the broken glass near the ropes. He shoved Coral off and rocketed his knee in the air. WARJIMMY! Coral, however, DODGED the knee and landed on his feet. Jimmy, upon returning to the mat, didn't give Coral time to think before he slapped him so hard he temporally lost hearing in his left ear!

He hoisted him up onto his shoulders, again.

FIREMAN'S CARRY DDT ONTO THE GLASS.

The impact did many things. First of all, it stunned the crowd into silence. Secondly, the Jimmy's back had also taken the impact of the glass and was cut all over. Finally, and predictably, it busted Coral Avalon WIDE open and he now laid bleeding in the middle of the ring, a head wound that had the crowd in awe.

In the middle of all this, Lowell Dot Com had an epiphany.

He reached into the ring and pulled out the sledgehammer. He took that sledgehammer because he knew exactly how to escape this "worthless cage". He took that sledgehammer and went around the ring, stopping short at the glass door.

"MR. LOWELL... TEAR DOWN THIS WALL!" Lowell shouted in the WORST Reagan impersonation in the history of ever, before he reared back.

No sound of shattered glass was heard in the building. Not yet.

Because Jimmy Cain was one tough motherfucker. He had slipped out of the ring upon noticing what Lowell was doing, and he grabbed the sledgehammer before Lowell swung it. Lowell spun around, seeing Jimmy there, holding the sledgehammer from below its head.

Jimmy cracked a bloody grin.

"No, this is how you break glass... dickhead."

CRAAAAASH!!!!

An EXPLOSION of cheers rocked the building.

Jimmy had caught Lowell with a knee to the gut before propelling the Shillin' Villian forward by simply tossing him forward... through the glass door, and out the other side.

Jimmy smirked. Not because of the cheering, but because of the mayhem and chaos he was bringing to the table. He looked behind him to see an unopened casket.

Jimmy grinned an evil grin, and proceeded to simply push open the lid of the casket... revealing its contents. Its horrifying contents were not for the faint of heart. Its contents would rend and tear the flesh of its possessor.

It was an entire pile of barbed wire.

Needless to say, the bloodlust of the fans in attendance had gained another level with a plus seven in strength.

And yes, I am dorky enough to use Codemasterisms in a match this violent, thank you very much.

Jimmy Cain was as excited as Michael Jackson in a daycare, since I'm clearly shooting for the most disturbing analogies possible. He looked in the ring to see that Coral Avalon, rather badly bloodied, was getting to his feet.

Somehow.

Jimmy resolved to fix this little problem. He slid underneath the ropes and grabbed Coral by his bloodied hair, before pulling him towards the side of the ring where the barbed wire resided. Jimmy stepped out, leaving Coral in the ring, but soon grabbed him in a front facelock before attempting to SUPLEX him into the barbed wire.

That would, of course, be completely insane and could be considered homicide in thirteen States. Including New York.

But Coral wouldn't die so easy. As he was vertical in Jimmy's grasp, he desperately fought out of the predicament, before he managed to land on the apron beside Jimmy. A European Uppercut followed, but Jimmy caught him in the gut with a knee strike. However, it was from the non-barbed knee, and therefore Jimmy hadn't caught Coral with enough impact to get rid of him. Coral caught him with a knife-edge chop and followed it almost immediately with a European uppercut.

Coral then did something unpredictable. He booted Jimmy in the gut, and then hopped over the top rope and to the inside of the ring. He then jumped up and caught Jimmy with another enzugiri, putting Jimmy on his knees. It didn't strike Jimmy with the usual force Coral brought to the table, but it gave Coral enough time to dart into the ropes across from Jimmy and come back.

Dropkick.

SMASH!

CHEEEEEEEEEEEER.

When Coral connected with the dropkick, Jimmy flew off of the apron. Jimmy flew horizontally off of the apron...

...and into the open casket.

The roar of the crowd was very quickly replaced by chants of "HOLY SHIT!".

Coral was on one knee in the middle of the ring, bloodied but not beaten. He looked around for a bit to try and get his mind off of the dull ache in his skull, before he noted that Lowell Dot Com was hovering around outside of the cage.

What was Lowell doing?

Lowell stood, holding onto the side of the cage, with glass shards protruding from his arms. He was in such a state of shock that it hadn’t even registered that he’d been thrown through the glass door, and was now in the process of trying to climb, without much luck.

Coral rolled out to the floor and exited the cage. He spun Lowell around and hit him with a European Uppercut, causing him to jump back against the side of the cage, the barbed wire digging into the back of his head. Lowell slumped to a seated position with his back to the cage wall.

Avalon reentered the custom made Gimmick Hell cage to find Jimmy Cain just now getting to his feet. His entire right arm was shredded from the fall on the barbed wire casket and hung limp at his side. He was searching under the ring. When he couldn’t find what he was looking for he stood up, walked around to the far side of the ring, and once again lifted the apron. He reached under and retrieved a chair. He tossed it into the ring and walked around to meet Coral on the floor, both weaponless.

Coral ran, but Jimmy ducked the clothesline, turned, and back dropped him on the concrete floor. The sickening splat made the fans cringe. Jimmy pulled Coral to his feet and put him on his shoulder with Coral’s head faced toward the cage wall. The American Psycho ran, but Avalon shoved off, sending Jimmy face-first into the mesh!

Cain staggered around, and Coral set him up for the Ratings Spike, but Jimmy struck him in the face a couple of times with the side of his forearm and got out of the inverted front facelock. Jimmy turned, his face a bloody mess, and punched Coral in the mouth.

With Coral laid out, Jimmy limped over to the final remaining unopened casket. He crossed his fingers, shut his eyes, made a wish, and grabbed the lid with his hand. He lifted it slowly and opened his eyes again, and what he found brought a smile to his now-blemished, deranged profile.

C4, MOTHERFUCKER!

Jimmy laughed insanely as he picked up the one board contained in the casket, with the middle strapped with C4 explosive. Jimmy got an errection, so he took care of that and flicked the jiz through the mesh at the fans. “You love that SHIT!” Jimmy carefully slid the C4 platform into the ring and walked ovet to where Coral was standing, or barely standing, and hit him in the face with a forearm smash.

But Coral was all “No way, motherfucker!” except without the “motherfucker” because Coral doesn’t swear. It’s just his nature. Coral retaliated with three elbows in rapid-fire succession and Irish whipped Jimmy in the direction of the thumbtack casket.

Cain impacted the casket back-first, causing a wave of thumbtacks to spill over the side. He, however, wouldn’t stay down for long. He stood up, clutching his injured back, and walked back over to Coral. Avalon was just leaning there with his shoulder against the cage, completely numb to the barbed wire peircing his flesh. Again, they lethargically exchanged strikes.

Meanwhile, Lowell had made his way BACK inside the cage for whatever reason. He climbed up onto the apron, hardly able to see with all the blood in his eyes, but nevertheless he ran the length of the apron before he dove off with a somersault plancha, knocking Coral and Jimmy over like bowling pins!

He picked the Jimmy up and pitched him back inside the ring, before entering, himself. Jimmy started to get to his feet, but was doubled over with a kick to the stomach, before having his arms hooked behind his back.

SELLING POINTDENIED.

Jimmy went to his knees and dropped Lowell with a double leg takedown. With the Webmaster on his stomach in front of him, Jimmy waist locked him and pulled him to his feet. Lowell blocked the German, but Jimmy had other ideas. He lifted the Champion up onto his shoulders in a reverse powerbomb position and turned, finding Coral unsteadily perched on the top rope. Lowell shook his head frantically, but it was no use. Coral took flight.

DOOMSDAY RANA.

Seats were pushed back, shins bruised, beverages knocked over, and every fan was standing in amazement. Lowell had taken the bump directly on the back of his neck and folded up sickeningly in the middle of the ring.

Coral was kneeling next to the self-proclaimed Choice of a New Generation, trying to regain his wits after the Doomsday Rana spot. Jimmy was right there to capitalize, too, grabbing his head and landing a succession of step kicks and knees to the temple. Jimmy stuffed his head and executed a powerbomb, causing the ring to shake, along with the C4 explosive.

Coral was in a lot of trouble. Jimmy was holding on to his legs and was positioning him for a powerbomb that would've taken him straight into the C4 explosive. Coral did the only thing he could do at a time when his survival instincts were saying "HEY! HEY! I DON'T THINK THIS IS SUCH A GOOD IDEA! DO SOMETHING!". He began hammering on Jimmy's skull with right hands, trying desperately not to get himself powerbombed on the C4.

Fortunately, Jimmy lost his balance and fell backwards, and Coral landed on top of him. Then Coral applied a jujigatame (or cross armbreaker) on the Jimmy, right on the bloodied right arm of the Patrick Bateman of Professional Wrestling.

Jimmy was in a world of pain right now.

Coral kept the hold latched in, not wanting to let go. However, Jimmy refused to tap out (even if it didn't matter) and was even fighting the hold by getting up. He pulled Coral up with both arms, showing off the power he STILL had... before he dropped Coral straight onto the back of his head.

That made him release the damn hold.

Jimmy held his arm in pain. He had physically endured many hardships for much of this contest, but with Lowell still down, that gave him time to take out Avalon as well. With that in mind, he pulled the bleeding mess that had the name of Coral Avalon, and pulled him to his feet. He picked him up by his legs and carried him into one of the exposed corners.

The purpose was obvious even to the dumbest of fans.

Jimmy had him hooked up for his finishing move.

The one.

The only.

MARKET CRAAAAAASSSSSH.

Coral was dumped unceremoniously on his head, as a result of the move. Jimmy laid on the canvas, seemingly exhausted from the exchange he had with Coral, as well as the simple toll that this match was taking out on him.

Jimmy soon got up, trying in vain to brush off the damage he's taken in the contest.

He was slow and sluggish, but still going like that annoying Energizer Bunny. However, out of the corner of his eye, he saw that Lowell Dot Com was still living. So, he walked... okay, staggered... over to him, and prepared to kill him.

That's when Lowell kicked him in the nuts.

That's a grand equalizer even if you were as tough as Jimmy Cain, let me tell you. Lowell, however, went to the corner where he had left his ad-riddened jacket.

The door was open; he was going to get the HELL out of this steel atrocity while the getting was good. However, Jimmy had recovered enough to grab Lowell from behind in a waistlock.

POWER HOIST.

KA-FREAKING-BOOM!

What happen? Did someone set up us the bomb?

Well...

Lowell took that German suplex where he was flipped over onto his stomach, which put his jacket in front of him. Unfortunately, that made Lowell blind to where he was landing, and his jacket and his stomach absorbed the C4 explosive that Jimmy had placed earlier in the contest.

Lowell = Not moving.

Lowell's jacket = Destroyed beyond repair.

Jimmy's smile = Eternal.

Of course, Jimmy's smile was also done in spite of a painful grimace.

Jimmy rolled out of the ring, and decided that he needed to get to the top of this cage. So, he rolled out of the ring, and slowly staggered around it until he reached the shattered remains of what used to be a glass door. He soon exited, and threw up a pair of bloody Shockers for all of the female fans to orgasm over.

He might be battered and bruised, but he was still able-bodied enough to throw Shockers around all over the place.

Jimmy turned the corner and walked past the table pyramid, before coming around the other corner. Here, he found a good point to climb up the cage, and started the extremely painful climb up the cage, as it involved barbed wire and wasn't going to be fun by any means. However, Jimmy made his climb.

Meanwhile, Coral Avalon had rolled to the outside, and was getting up on the side of the apron where Jimmy was, as well as the casket filled with light tubes. However, from behind, Lowell realized what had happened to his jacket.

It was destroyed by the explosion, even though it had mostly protected his body from the impact of the C4.

Needless to say, Lowell felt like he lost a friend.

Seriously, there might have even been tears.

So, he decided in his rage that someone had to suffer... and that, unfortunately, had to be Coral Avalon. So, he charged on Coral and whacked him with every bit of force in his own body. The end result?

Coral flew off of the apron.

And into the cage.

And STUCK there.

The image produced would give NIGHTMARES to children at that side of the ring. Coral Avalon, for at least three seconds, was hanging off of the cage against his will by the barbed wire. And when he finally was able to get himself loose...

CRASH!

...he fell into the casket of light tubes.

Needless to say, Coral Avalon was probably dead or something at this point.

Lowell didn't have time to celebrate. The impact of Coral hitting the cage had knocked Jimmy off of the cage, but he had anticipated something like this and had managed to land on his feet on the floor. However, he collapsed to his knees soon afterwards.

This gave Lowell time to fetch a steel chair, the same one he had failed to use on Coral and Jimmy way back in the start of the match, and staggered through the door, heading straight for where Jimmy was. Jimmy got up, and turned to Lowell.

SMACK!

That was Lowell smacking Jimmy with the steel chair, knocking him down.

SMACK! SMACK! SMACK!

That was Lowell smacking Jimmy while he was down with the steel chair, keeping him down.

Lowell turned, like he was going to leave.

SMACK!

That one was for the jacket.

The fans exploded in boos. Lowell Dot Com had just destroyed Coral Avalon and just put down Jimmy Cain... all in his rage over his stupid advertising jacket. But now, Lowell was in the driver's seat in the match that HE created. Now, Lowell can climb the cage. Now, Lowell can take back his title.

Lowell grabbed the cage, and cringed in pain. He cursed himself for requesting that this match required climbing the walls of a barbed wire cage... but soon had a backup plan. Passing by Jimmy's corpse... and smacking it with the steel chair just to make sure it was still down (SMACK!). He went back to the side of the ring where the door was, and went underneath the ring before he found a ladder.

But not the type normally found in wrestling. No, this was a painter's ladder.

Perfectly suited for climbing such a structure.

Lowell brought out this ladder... somehow... and then carried it out of the cage, nearly smacking the heads of people a few rows back. It might have hit an old lady, in which case... bonus points.

Anyway, Lowell positioned the ladder next to the cage, and began to climb up. Soon, the ACW Scorpion Fighting Champion, or the Scorpio Champion, was on top of the mesh. Soon, the ACW Scorpio Champion would reclaim his title.

But as soon as Lowell got to the top of the ladder and onto the cage, he dropped to his knees. His physical exhaustion and his adrenaline had both reached their peak, and now he was barely able to will his limbs to make many moves. The fact that the fans were booing, clearly stated that they didn't want Lowell to retain the title.

Unfortunately for Lowell, he would have to wait a lot longer to get his title back.

Because from behind, screaming "MOTHERFUCKER!" like a man possessed... was Jimmy Cain.

Jimmy Cain.

Lowell's former "friend".

Lowell's hired gun.

Lowell's protege.

...Lowell's murderer.

That's what was going through Jimmy's head as he reached the top of the ladder. He was going to fucking murder Lowell Dot Com for everything. For being so fucking obnoxious. For coming up with a match this fucking stupid. For smacking him with a steel chair. For... okay, it's pretty much just spur of the moment here. Bear with me.

Lowell got up in an almost panic. Nearly every time Lowell and Jimmy encountered one another in this match, it was always Jimmy who did something horrible to him. Jimmy backdropped him into a barbed wire board and double-stomped him while it was on top of him. Jimmy shattered a glass tube on him. Jimmy threw him through a glass window.

...most importantly...

JIMMY dropped him AND his jacket on a board with C4 on it.

Lowell grabbed a singapore cane that was laying on the ceiling of the cage and took a swing.

Jimmy caught it bare-handed.

Lowell nearly shit a brick.

Jimmy tore the cane out of Lowell's hand, before casually tossing it over his shoulder... off the cage... and onto some kid's head. Check the back of your tickets folks, you knew what you were getting into when you decided to be a spectator in this contest.

Lowell collapsed backwards, but quickly crawled in the direction of the nearest weapon. He reached it, a steel chair, and started to pick it up.

STOMP.

But Lowell could not pick it up, because Jimmy's right foot was on top of it. Jimmy's bloody face met Lowell's.

"You think you can beat me with fucking weapons, you son of a bitch?" Jimmy asked, before he used the other foot to kick Lowell right in the face.

Lowell fell backwards, and landed with an awkward roll given the mesh that the two men were standing on. Lowell was back up, and shouted back at Jimmy, "Come on, Jimmy! We don't have to do this!"

Lowell very narrowly avoided a low-aimed Yakuza kick that could've taken his head off, and rolled to his feet again, "Remember the chicks! Remember the money! The sex! The drugs! The rock and roll!"

Jimmy nodded sagely, "Yeah."

SMACK!

That was Jimmy's boot making contact with Lowell's face.

"But I also remember... that you wouldn't STILL be the fucking champion if it weren't for me saving YOUR ass." Jimmy proclaimed.

Lowell sputtered and hit the mesh, but slowly attempted to get up again when Jimmy caught him with a soccer kick in the gut. Lowell was propelled upwards for a few seconds, rolled horizontally in the air, and came down again.

"I don't know how you won that god damn title... but you'll end up in my crawlspace long before you even THINK about KEEPING that title!" Jimmy shouted, before he unleashed another kick...

...that was caught.

"Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy..." Lowell said, as he slowly got to his feet, taking Jimmy's leg with him, "Always with the jokes... you're such a kidder."

DRAGON SCREW.

"I mean, seriously... my sponsors over at Pepsi would be VERY disappointed if I didn't think I could win in my own match!" Lowell said with a cheesy, blood-stained grin, as he stood over Jimmy's fallen body. That was the same knee that had the barbed wire wrapped around it, and the same knee that Coral Avalon had worked over earlier.

Jimmy was in some pain now.

Jimmy was slow to get to his feet, but as he did so, he watched Lowell pick up the steel chair... this time succeeding. He approached where Jimmy now stood, wielding his weapon. He took a swing at Jimmy, but Jimmy ducked, dropped to the mesh with a roll, and picked up a golf club.

Yeah. A GOLF CLUB.

"Lowell was smoking CRACK when he thought of this." Jimmy thought, before he said outloud, "It's no samurai sword, but it'll work."

Lowell took another swing, but Jimmy managed a dodge and swung the club, full-force, into the steel chair. This knocked the chair from Lowell's hands. Then Jimmy took the crooked end of the club and used it to catch Lowell's foot, knocking him down onto the mesh.

"SPLATTER TIME!" Jimmy cried out, before he took another full-force swing at Lowell's head.

Fortunately for the Original Shillin' Villian, he suddenly snatched the nearest weapon he could get his hands on and managed to use it to block the swing.

That weapon was, sadly, a push broom.

Lowell managed a shove to knock Jimmy back, before he raised... his... heh, weapon... at hand.

Lowell realized how ridiculous his weapon was, amazingly, and quickly looked around to find something better.

Lowell managed to find a broken VCR with its guts spilling out, thought "What the hell?", and grabbed it, holding it over his head as he got to his feet.

Jimmy swung the club, but it was a scratch. Which is to say that it missed when Lowell dodged to a side, and then Lowell simply THREW the VCR into Jimmy's face.

That, of course, would stun ANYONE. Even the Jimmy.

This allowed Lowell to do two things.

1) KICK JIMMY IN THE GOD DAMN BALLS.

and

2) SELLING POINT.

The fans exploded in boos. Lowell Dot Com had just connected with the Selling Point, is double underhook brainbuster, right in the cage's mesh. The cage's ceiling had been reinforced to sustain such impacts, fortunately, and both men were dazed in the middle of the cage... unmoving.

Jimmy had taken Lowell's greatest attack.

Lowell had taken many attacks from Jimmy and somehow endured them all long enough to survive to hit the Selling Point.

...

Coral Avalon still laid in the casket, amongst the broken objects.

"Dammit." Coral thought to himself, as he finally regained some sense of where he was. He had laid in that casket for a while, and he only now finally crawled out. Coral was covered in glass, glass that Coral unconsciously began pulling out of his body.

Coral was also covered in blood, the last attack Lowell had done to him had caused wounds just about everywhere on his body except where he was clothed, and made him regret ever changing the style of his ring gear from pants to short tights.

"Dammit..." Coral thought, as he removed a particularly large piece that was sticking out of his arm, "That did a number on me..."

Coral started to stand, only to find that his legs barely had the strength to function. He grimaced in pain, and did the only thing he could do with his physical state.

He crawled.

"Move. Come on... move." he thought, trying to will his legs back to strength. He was slowly standing, though his entire body quaked at the very motion. It was like they were rejecting the idea of moving, and voting against it in Coral's brain congress.

But that vote woul be vetoed. Coral pressed on, staggering past the barbed wire coffin and heading through the door... when he spotted the painter's ladder. He looked up, wearilly, brushing the blood from his brow and seeing that Lowell and Jimmy were up there. He approached the ladder, looking to fans like he was a war survivor instead of a professional wrestler.

He willed his limbs onto the ladder, and agonizingly climbed up the structure.

He was in pain.

He was suffering.

But he told himself to move, and dammit, he was going to move.

Meanwhile, Lowell and Jimmy stirred at the same time, and both came up swinging. Jimmy's strikes didn't have the impact they did earlier in the match because he was on his knees, while Lowell didn't have much at all even if he had the advantage.

"You will not... TAKE... this title... from me!" Lowell shouted, "I say this, even in the name of Geico! You can save a bunch of money, don'tcha know?"

"SHUT THE FUCK UP." Jimmy roared, as he started to get to his feet prompting Lowell to do the same, "I WILL TAKE THIS TITLE FROM YOU, MOTHERFUCKER! AND THEN I'LL FUCK YOUR MOM UP YOUR ASS!"

"You take that BACK!" Lowell shouted, slugging Jimmy in the face.

"MAKE ME!" Jimmy shouted back, kneeing Lowell in the side with his barbed-wire-assisted knee.

Coral Avalon got to the top, right in the middle of their shouting match.

"OH, I WILL. I WILL!" Lowell shouted, with a right hand to follow, "In the name of the Burger King, I will avenge my mom's name!"

"FUCK BURGER KING!"

Lowell gasped. Audibly.

Then he kicked Jimmy in the knee with the barbed wire in it, "FUCK YOU!"

"NO, YOU!"

It was around this time that both men found something a bit off. Jimmy looked to his right, and Lowell looked to his left... effectively the same direction.

Coral stood there to their side, blood dripping from many wounds in his body and looking like he was ejected through the windshield of a car and was stopped only by a barbed wire fence (which isn't too far from what happened to him in the first place). And all he asked was, "Why... are you two talking like you're the only ones in this match?"

Lowell went wide-eyed.

Jimmy was actually in shock. He actually had to ask, "HOW ARE YOU NOT DEAD!?"

"I dunno." Coral said, with a shrug. He narrowly avoided Lowell trying to catch him with a clothesline, and kicked him in the gut before hooking him in a bulldog position. Coral leapt up, dropkicked Jimmy in the chest, and used the momentum to strike Lowell with a bulldog, knocking him down.

*EXPLOSIVE CHEERS*

At a time when Coral Avalon was the most hurt was a time when Coral Avalon could fight back.

Coral got to his feet, blood pouring from his chest from where the barbed wire had stuck in him when he hit the side of the cage and stuck there like a fly before collapsing into the light tube casket below.

Coral was hunched over, his breathing labored, as he walked across the top of the cage toward the 12 ft. ladder lying on the other side. He picked it up and carried it back to the center of the cage, the smaller cage containing the Commie hanging overhead, and set it up.

With the ladder erected, Coral started to climb, slowly, rung by rung. He got about halfway up when Jimmy and Lowell began to stir, and got to their feet. Lowell cuffed Jimmy with a right-hand; Jimmy, taking hold of Lowell’s blood-drenched hair, kneed him in the face with his barbed wire wrapped knee. Lowell staggered and fell with a clumsily roll onto his stomach.

Jimmy grabbed a near-lying steel chair and began to hack away at the base of the ladder, denting it with each shot. Coral could feel the ladder begin to pitch, so rather than allow himself to be thrown violently onto the roof of the cage when the ladder toppled over, Coral turned, and dropped a double axehandle onto the top of Jimmy’s skull!

Both crumbled to the mesh, exhausted and sore.

The Choice of a New Generation was up, stumbling around like a drunken fool. He grabbed a hold of the ladder to steady the ship, realized what it was he was using as a crutch, and smiled with all the childish glee of a thousand Catholic schoolgirls.

He began to climb, gazing skyward to the Commie cage. His teeth were coated with blood, but still he found reason to pop a crimson smile. "Just… a little… CLOSER!" Standing on the third rung from the top he gripped the steel bars of the cage, trying to pull himself up, but that was not an easy feat to accomplish. He was very arm weary at this point.

The Commie, huddled inside his cage, screamed support, "GO LOWELL! GO!" He banged on the bars, but when the cage started to rock back and forth, knocking into Lowell and resulting in shouts of "YOU FUCKING IMBECILE, STOP THAT!" he immediately jammed his hands back in his pockets.

Lowell felt like a teenager again, unable to do a single pull up even as he struggled with all his might. “COME ON! JUST… GIVE… ME… ONE!”

Coral charged at the ladder.

DROPKICK.

The ladder pitched to the right!

*GASP!*

Lowell managed to hang onto the smaller cage, his hands gripping the steel bars, with his legs dangling precariously above the bigger cage.

Coral scratched his aching head and watched as Jimmy, too, got to his feet and made his was over to the fallen ladder, before picking it up.

Jimmy set it on his shoulder and HEAVED it at Lowell. It struck him in the ribcage, causing him to plummet twelve feet onto the barbed wire mesh below!

One side chanted: “YOU KILLED LOWELL! *clapclap clapclapclap!*”

The other chanted: “THANK YOU JIMMY*clapclap clapclapclap!*”

Jimmy picked up the ladder again and swung as he spun round. Coral ducked the ladder shot, and dropkicked it back into the Jimmy’s face, causing him to fall over onto his back with the ladder lying on top of him.

Coral grabbed Lowell and waistlocked him from behind, dropping the Champion to his face with his (Lowell’s) legs straddling his torso. Coral then hoisted him up and wheelbarrow suplexed him over his head, (!!) onto the ladder (!!), sandwiching the Champaign Supernova between it and the barbed wire mesh!

Avalon grabbed LDC by the foot and yanked him off of Jimmy, grabbing the ladder and setting it up in the center of the cage. He put his foot on the first rung, but thought “No, this time I’m going to make sure neither of those morons cause me any more trouble”, and stepped down.

He walked back over, standing up Lowell and DDTing him.

Jimmy already looked beaten down enough, so it was back to climbing! Coral reached the top when all of a sudden feet started flying at his head! It was the Commie trying to kick him off the ladder!

“No! This isn’t for you!” Commie said in his high-pitched effeminate voice, cradling the ACW Scorpio Championship belt like a child in his arms. “This is Lowell’s!”

Coral grabbed him by the foot and gave him a warning yank toward the edge. Commie backed off from then on.

Jimmy was up! Oh fucking shit-on-a-stick! He had a hold of the ladder and was shaking it relentlessly, trying to knock Coral off without tipping over the ladder. He began gingerly climbing up it and punched Coral in the face as he reached the top. He grabbed Coral by the head and bashed it into the top of the ladder again and again and *inhales* AGAIN! Jimmy piefaced Avalon off the top of the ladder.

Coral hit the mesh and bounced three feet in the air.

Jimmy *could* have gone for the title there, but he decided against it. The barbed wire was still wrapped around his knee as he stood atop the ladder with flashbulbs going off all around him by people thinking this was the final few seconds of what had turned out to be arguably the bloodiest match in North American wrestling history.

The American Psycho, however, had another idea, and it didn’t involve getting in the cage hanging above him and beating the piss out of the Commie. No, that would come later.

He waited for Coral to get to his feet (it took him a while) before he dove off, attempting to drop a barbed wire-wrapped Beast Knee onto the head of a standing Coral Avalon. Coral smartly countered by stepping six inches to the right and guiding Jimmy down onto his bent knee, hitting a Gutbuster.

“OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH!”

Jimmy collapsed off of his knee, trying desperately to suck in a breath as all the air had momentarily left his body. Clutching his mid section in pure agony and stumbling toward the edge of the cag, Jimmy fell to his knees and let his head hit the mesh, and began to spit up blood. Yeaaaaah… his insides were totally fucked.

Coral lied with his leg bent upward to his stomach, grasping his thigh – the barbed wire around Jimmy’s knee had grazed him there on the fall. He fell when he tried to stand. “Aaagh,” Coral grimmaced and tried to drag himself along the roof of the cage to the ladder set up a few feet away, but the barbed wire “sewn” into the mesh was far too painful on his bare flesh, so he once again attempted standing… and this time he was successful.

Coral climbed to the top of the ladder with decreased speed. It was one of those long, drawn out WW(F)E-style climbs where each step seemed to take an eternity. When he reached its zenith, Coral slumped forward like a puppet whose strings had been cut. He had nothing left. Blood continue to dribble down the ladder, hitting various rungs as it seeped from one of the many gashes on his forehead. He needed rest, so that’s what he did- he rested.

Unfortunately for him Lowell Dot Com was back up, booting Jimmy in the head a couple of times before venturing over to the ladder and ascending it. Coral greeted the Sellout v.2 with a forearm strike to the face and hooked him in a front facelock.

TOP OF THE LADDER SUPERPLEXBLOCKED.

Coral wasn’t a big puncher, but given the circumstances, he went fucking Chuck Liddel on Lowell’s blue ass! Punches bounced off his mouth, jaw, nose, and forehead, and for a split second caused him to let go of the ladder. For a *split second* he stood two rungs from the top, on a 12-ft. ladder, rocking back on his heels! All Coral would’ve had to do was nudge him and Lowell would have taken that goddamn Nestea Plunge. Instead it was Coral who took the Plunge, after a low blow from the robot programmed to inflict pain (aka Jimmy Cain :-P)- who somehow recovered to climb back up the ladder beneath him.

Avalon, however, did not take the Nestea Plunge. Oh no no no! He took the PEPSI PLUNGE.

The Champion had butterflied Coral’s arms as he slumped over the top of the ladder- reeling from the low blow- and lifted him, turned, and dropped TEN FEET to his knees, impacting Coral’s chest with the reinforced steel!

“HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT!!”

People in the crowd were jumping up and down in disbelief, those annoying horn things were going off incessantly, the announcers were screaming their lungs out, and Jimmy Cain was laughing up a storm. Seriously. His laughter has been known to form tropical storms in the Bermuda Triangle. People don’t disappear; they’re swept away by Jimmy’s laughter.

Lowell turned around, hardly able to stand, and blocked a running punch thrown by his former hired gun. He fell to his knees and low blowed the Jimmy, then stood up and knee him in the face. It may not have included barbed wire, but it sure as hell still hurt a lot!

Jimmy rotated onto his stomach and planted a fist into the mesh to balance himself as he got to his knees. He called out, “LOWELL, YOU FUCKING COWARD!” prompting the Shillin’ Villain to stop in his tracks but not yet turn around to acknowledge him, “YOU FUCKING SUCK HORSE COCK! I DON’T RESPECT YOU! I DON’T RESPECT YOUR TITLE! I WANT TO THROW YOU OFF THIS CAGE AND RECREATE SOME RAVE/VILLAM ASYLUM MAGIC <3 LATER ON AT THE MORGUE!! BUHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

KATIE VICK, w00t!?”

Okay, so he went a bit far with that, but in any event, it caused Lowell to march back over to where Jimmy was kneeling and SLAP him across the face!

“Jimmy, Jimmy Jimmy,” the Notorious LDC patted him on the top of the head, “you make me laugh… too bad that’s all you’re good for.

Thanks for the memories, pal, but if ya don’t mind, I’ve got a match to win.”

Lowell booted him in the chest to knock him over and walked back over to the ladder.

Lowell began the long, arduous climb up the ladder, but five rungs up someone had a hold of his foot.

Jimmy Cain.

You actually thought a *kick* would put him down for more than three seconds? You fucking idiot!

LDC turned cautiously around on the ladder and soccer kicked the Champaign Supernova in the face.

Jimmy shook it off and threw the Shocker up with one hand, while punching Lowell in the gut with the other! OMFG! HE HAD HIM HOOKED FOR THE MUSCLE BUSTER!!

He turned and marched over to the side of the cell facing the stage, with Lowell upside down on his shoulder, delaying hitting the Market Crash longer than usual.

Jimmy smiled ( >:-D ) through the crimson mask.

“THIS IS FOR ALL MA CHI-TOWN HOMIES!

AHHHH GOTCHA! NAH NAH! IT’S ALL FOR THE JIMMY! BUHAHAHAHAHA!”

MARKETCRAAAAAASSSSHHHHLOWELL SLIPS OUT THE BACK DOOR.

Lowell dropped safely to his feet behind him, grabbed a handful of tights and hair, ran… and THREW Jimmy Cain off the top of the cage!!!!

…

CLUNK-CLUNK-SMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASSSSSH!!!!!!

THUD.

dead silence.

INSANELY LOUD POP.

Lipton: “OH MY GAWWWWWD! I HATE TO SOUND LIKE JR, FOLKS, BUT HE IS BROKEN IN HALF!! THERE’S NO OTHER WAY TO PUT IT!”

“I-I… I think we may have just had our first death on ACW TV… holy fucking shit, Lip.”

The crowd once again settled into a stunned silence. They just, like, shut the fuck up with their eyes glued to the corpse lying in the middle of the aisle.

Jimmy had sailed off the cage- gone THROUGH the table pyramid- crashed into the metal legs supporting the middle section, before his weight caused the bottom tables to give out- sending him into a nose dive on the concrete floor!

The tables didn’t break his fall. The tables broke *HIM*.

Or maybe it was the floor that broke him? *Shrug* Motherfucka’ is BROKE is all I know- now stop buggin’ me!

Lowell smirked a bloody smirk.

The fans realized in horror what Jimmy's fall meant. Lowell would retain his title. It was inevitable, Mr. Anderson. *puts on sunglasses and tries to look cool*

Lowell went to the ladder, and put it back in position.

He slowly started to climb up the ladder again. Soon, he would reach the Commie. Soon, he would reach his title. Soon, he may take the Commie to a strip bar and show him how to be a man by stuff dollar bills down the thongs of underage strippers.

Ah, the wonders of life.

However, just when it looked like Lowell might get there... he felt something grab his foot.

A half-dead Coral Avalon.

Lowell... lost his cool, "SON OF A BITCH!"

He began frantically kicking at Coral with his other foot, trying to shake off the Kleptomaniac who just wouldn't frickin' stay down. He took a horrifically sick bump earlier that he didn't think he'd get up from. He took a Pepsi Plunge from the ladder that nobody thought he'd get up from. And now, he was on his knees, reaching up and grabbing Lowell, and trying to keep him from retaining that title of his.

That's when Lowell made a mistake.

One of his back kicks flew out too far, and that enabled Coral to grab it and shove it through one of the rungs. Before Lowell could recover, Coral had pulled out his other leg.

And Lowell was stuck in a Tree of Woe... on the ladder.

A weapons master would've taken the opportunity to dropkick him in the face with a chair at hand.

A cheater would've taken the opportunity to climb up the ladder and step on Lowell's crotch on the way up.

...A technician like Coral Avalon, who would never do something like the other two in his life, had a different plan.

He lifted Lowell's upper body up... and put him in an inverted facelock.

Lowell's hands went up, as if he pleaded to Coral. In fact, he was actually screaming "No! NO!" before Coral hit it.

SUSPENDED RATINGS SPIKE.

The fans came down with a thunderous ovation as Coral landed the move.

The ladder came down with Lowell's leg, wrenching the knee almost as much as Coral wrenched the neck.

The Commie came down with ferocious crying.

Coral Avalon laid unmoving. Lowell Dot Com laid unmoving, the ladder around his leg. Jimmy Cain laid unmoving and possibly dead on the floor.

But it was Avalon, whose bleeding should've caused him to pass out by now, who got up first. He pulled the ladder free from Lowell's leg, and staggered under the Commie's cage. Coral began his climb, but after the third rung, he felt his second wind leaving him.

"Dammit... not now." he thought, as he willed his legs to move up another rung. Unlike some ladder matches, where the wrestlers make slow climbs even though they weren't that tired... Coral Avalon had absorbed a phenominal amount of punishment and was still living long enough to actually try and climb.

Coral slowly made it to the top, his face the very defintiion of agony. He looked up at the cage and wearilly said to the Commie, "You might... want to give that to me now."

Lowell was still not moving, Coral's last ditch effort to put him down had damaged his knee and his neck, and if he was conscious, he sure wasn't showing it. Even the Commie, the biggest Lowell loyalist in the world, knew that Lowell wasn't going to stop Coral. Coral pulled himself up closer to the Commie, and asked again, "Seriously. I don't think... you'd want to be in here... if Jimmy Cain somehow survived that fall."

The Commie did the only thing he could do.

He tossed the belt in Coral's direction and covered himself in a fetal position, crying and screaming something about "DON'T HURT ME!"

Coral took the title before it could fly past him, and smiled an ever-so-slight and ever-so-bloody smile.

"Thanks."

Coral took the title from the cage and barely hung on to the ladder as his body started to give out on him.

*EXPLOSIVE CHEERS!*

Reid: "AVALON'S DONE IT! AVALON'S SURVIVED GIMMICK HELL!"

Lip: "NO! MY GAMBLING MONEY! NOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Avalon slowly got off of the ladder, and staggered to the one leaning on the side of the cage before he started to climb down that one too. Midway down, Coral's energy finally gave out on him and he fell off the ladder, landing on the floor in quite a lot of pain.

Referees and medics finally came out to check on the condition of all three men, who were finally too tired to even move.

Neither Coral Avalon, nor Jimmy Cain, nor Lowell Dot Com left the ring under their own power that night.

But only one came out a winner.

And it just so happened to be the man who never once laid his hands on a weapon in the course of the match.